Parent’s Awareness Guide

To

Dealing with Angry Children

By MaryLynne White
Adonai Consulting

Read this guide and you will discover the following:

	Five reasons Why Today’s Children Do Not Respond to Traditional Parenting Techniques
	What Really Motivates Children to Change their Behavior
	How the Brain Affects Behavior
	The Three Main Ways Children Respond to Their Parent’s Anger and/or Scolding
	The Number One Reason Children Become Angry
	How Your Non Verbal Communication Influences Children’s Behaviors
	Four Simple Ways to Respond to Children’s Anger

Her mission statement is, “Raising emotionally healthy, happy and responsible children, one parent at a time.”
 

Dear Frustrated  Parent or Adult Care Giver,

As I’ve said before, choosing someone to help you deal with your frustrating and perhaps confusing feelings about parenting is not easy.

Why? Because you are absolutely bombarded with misleading advertising, confusing claims and old fashioned techniques that are outdated for today's parents.

From super-low prices and high-pressure sales to people who want to push a certain media on you when it might not be in your best interest to unqualified “sales and marketers” who have little if any understanding of what it’s really like to be a parent today—how do you ever expect to find a qualified, competent, professional educational and coaching company?

You start by reading this “Parent’s Awareness Guide to Dealing with Angry Children”. In this fact-filled booklet, you will discover the number one reason children get upset, what

really motivates kids to change, how your non verbal communication influences your child’s ability to listen, three ways children respond when their parents are upset, simple easy ways to diffuse your child’s anger plus much more.

We wrote this guide to help you better understand how to deal with your child’s angry behaviors in ways that work—giving you specific suggestions to use where you will see positive changes immediately.  Now, with this knowledge, you can make an informed, intelligent decision.

And if you have any questions about getting more help and support as a parent, you are invited to call us at1-888-962-8222.  We have dedicated our business to educating and supporting parents and others who live and work with children. We will be happy to help you in every way.

Cordially,

1-888-962-8222
Adonai Consulting
Specialists in Parent Education and Coaching

 
Testimonials:

1.  Five Reasons Why Today’s Children Do Not Respond to “Traditional”
     Parenting Techniques

Reason #1:  They see and think about the world differently than we do.

Children today are constantly bombarded with television, computer games, game boys and other electronic toys.  They’re watching more violence and sex on television and movies than we did while growing up.  Consequently, they’re not as innocent as we perhaps would like them to be.  The average age for drug use and sexual activity is lower today than it was twenty years ago.  Children are growing up faster, wanting to experience the things they see in games, television, DVDs and movies.  Many of today’s children have developed a psychological numbness to the world around them, “it’s no big deal.”

Because of the fast-paced world we live in, families don’t often sit down together as a unit.  It’s difficult to spend quality time together because of the scheduling of activities outside the school and home.  Consequently, children aren’t always brought up valuing the importance of family time where family members spend quality time together talking and interacting, instead of watching a television show or DVD together.

Reason #2:  They don’t respond well to authoritarian control, discipline and setting limits.

Children today seem to be born with a general sense of entitlement.  “I want it and I want it now.”  The word, “no”, isn’t an option they take easily from parents.  They have a strong need to feel they are in control and do not like to be ordered about and told what to do by their parents.  Hence, they often become angry and argumentative at being told what to do or not being able to do what they want.  When I was a child and was told not to do something, I usually obeyed.  Not doing so meant I would be punished.  The fear of being punished and losing my parents' respect was greater than my desire to do something that was against my parents’ wishes. 

Children today are different.  Punishment and consequences can be handed to them over and over again and their behavior still remains the same.  Just as you and I don’t like being told what to do or ordered about, they don’t like it either.  They respond much better when we give them choices instead of orders.  This makes them feel like they have some sense of control over their lives.

When parents sit down with them to talk about setting limits, it’s helpful to ask the children what they think the rules should be and why it’s important to have them.  Then, ask them to come up with the consequences if the rules are broken.  Children are often harder on themselves when they have to dish out the consequences.  If they have a say in determining the house rules and consequences, they are usually more compliant about following them.

Reason #3:  Guilt doesn’t usually work on them.

“Wait ‘til your father gets home!” is a phrase that doesn’t usually work with today’s children.  How many times have you heard the phrase, “Whatever” when you attempt to use guilt or threats with them?  What works is having them involved in the problem solving process.

Reason #4:  They are strong willed.

Because they already have a strong sense of entitlement, children today often appear to be stubborn and argumentative.  Once they have something set in their minds, they are not going to give it up easily, unless you take the time to give them reasons and explanations they can understand.

Reason #5:  They are highly sensitive and intuitive.

Many children today can read us like an open book.  They seem to have heightened sensitivities which give them the ability to identify hidden agendas, lying and manipulation quickly.  If a mother is in the kitchen slamming cupboard doors closed and speaking with irritation in her voice, a child might ask, “What’s wrong Mom?”  If the answer is," nothing,” the child will know immediately that’s not true.  This can be perplexing for parents who may not even be aware of their own feelings.  Children today pick up on our nonverbal communication much easier than we sometimes do; they can read facial gestures, body posture, the tone of voice and the look in our eyes immediately.  Because they’re more intuitive, they have a sense or “knowingness” about things that they can’t explain to frustrated parents.  This goes along with #1 that they literally do see and experience the world differently than we do.

2.  What Really Motivates Children to Change Their Behavior

Have you ever watched children play a video or computer game or a Game boy?  Did you notice how mesmerized and focused they were, happy to be playing for hours on end?  Do you see them acting and feeling this way when they’re around you?  Ever wonder why?  What is it about these games that make children act and feel this way?

Reason #1:  Games have structure

Games are always consistent, reliable, and predictable.  They don’t respond to arguing, whining, temper tantrums, pleading or nagging.  Children know this about games and play them with gusto.  Instead of trying to manipulate games, they become focused on the goal.

Reason #2:  Games acknowledge what you’re doing right

Games give you instant feedback on how well you’re doing; usually with sounds and colors.  Whenever you move forward, you get cheering and attention; just like at a softball or football game.  As long as children stay on track, they get bells and whistles, letting them know they’re doing a great job.

Reason # 3   Games give you immediate consequences

Whenever you break a rule of a game, or get off track, you get a distinct and immediate consequence that’s straight forward without any hoopla or fan-fare.  A consequence is given and then the child gets back to playing the game to win.

So what does this have to do with parents?  If you want to motivate your children to change their behavior, think of some ways you can do the following:

3.  How the Brain Affects Behavior

When children are happy and doing well, feeling good about themselves, they are using that part of the brain in the back of the forehead that I call the “thinking” part of the brain.  This is where we can think about problems and come up with solutions.  We’re not hindered by negative emotions so we can think clearly.

When children become upset or angry, they move into the emotional part of the brain that’s found near the center of the brain.  I call this the “lizard” part of the brain because it doesn’t think; it merely reacts.  Think of the last time you and your child were upset with one another.  Were you raising your voices and arguing?  If so, were you able to solve the problem together with a win-win attitude?  This usually doesn’t happen.  It’s almost impossible to work out a problem when someone is upset or angry because he or she is in the lizard part of the brain.  There’s no thinking or problem solving going on.  The person is overloaded with emotions and can’t see past his or her feelings.

Your child’s upset or angry behavior tells you he or she is in the lizard part of the brain and cannot think through the problem at that moment in time.  To try to carry on a rational conversation at this time is pointless—your child is not able to think things through rationally and logically.  Sending the child to his or her room in a state of anger can keep this going on for awhile.  Think how much easier it might be for you as a parent to get your child to shift into the thinking part of the brain before you go any further.

Do you know toddlers become upset and have temper tantrums?  They do not have the mental ability to resolve their problems.  Instead, they lash out and express their anger in any way they can.  They are in the lizard part of their brain when they do this. 
 

Likewise, when a 10 or 12 year old becomes upset and goes into the lizard part of the brain with arguing, whining, crying, screaming, etc., your child has just shown you he or she has reverted back to a much younger age emotionally and cannot think things through.  Yelling, scolding or name calling will only make matters worse for you as the parent when your child is in this place.  Fortunately, it’s only for that moment in time.  When the child calms down and shifts back t the thinking part of the brain, he or she also shifts to their normal chronological age emotionally and you’re back in the game.

4.  Three Main Ways Children Respond to Their parent’s Anger and/or Scolding

Reaction #1:   Fight

When a parent scolds a child with an angry voice and angry eyes, the message goes directly to the lizard part of the brain and the child has an immediate unconscious thought of, “I’m bad.  Because I’m bad, I’ll lose my parent’s love….I don’t feel safe.”  Because of this fear about losing the parent’s love, the child will come out fighting.  You will see the following that tell you this:

Reaction #2:  Flight

When a parent scolds a child with an angry voice and angry eyes, the same message goes to the lizard part of the brain and the child has the immediate unconscious thought, “I’m not safe…I might lose my parent’s love”  The child then feels nervous and anxious and wants to get away from the situation.  You see this in the following behaviors:

Reaction #3:  Freeze

When a parent scolds a child with an angry voice and angry eyes, the message goes to the lizard part of the brain, the child doesn’t feel safe because of the fear of losing the parent’s love and the unconscious thought is, “I’m too afraid to move.”  The child is in such a state of fear, he or she is too afraid to do anything.  You see this in the following behaviors:

5.  The Number One Reason Children Become Angry

The number one reason children become angry is because of fear.

Remember, it’s the unconscious fear that drives this feeling to the lizard part of the brain.  You will not be able to get anywhere until you can help your child to shift back to the thinking part.

6.  How Non Verbal Communication Influences Children’s Behaviors

We’ve already discussed how perceptive children are at picking up on our non verbal cues; our tone of voice, how we sit, how we stand.  Let’s look at each one of these to see how we can communicate better without putting our children into the lizard part of their brains.

Tone of voice:

When you’re upset, do you notice how your voice changes?  Is it hard for you to remain calm, speaking softly?  If so, welcome to the majority of the human race.  Every time I get upset, I go to the lizard part of my brain and then lose my ability to stay calm.  I’m in 100% reaction mode; I’m not thinking at all; I’m venting.  So, if this happens to you also, how do you think its going to make your child feel when he feels your anger?  What part of his brain are you going to take him to, the thinking part or the lizard part?

In order for our children to stay in the thinking part of their brains, we must stay in the thinking part of our brains as well.  If you find yourself being angry and upset, you might want to take a time-out to cool down.  Tell your child you’re too upset to talk right now.  You love your child too much to put him or her into the lizard part of the brain so you’re going to be alone for a little while to make sure you’re in your thinking part of the brain.

Sitting:

Imagine yourself when you were a young child.  You come into the room and your father or mother is sitting on the couch or a chair with their hands either pointing at you with anger or they’re on the edge of the furniture to help them get up quickly. Your parent is leaning forward toward you and you see the look of anger in his or her eyes.  How does make you feel?  Does this posture make you want to sit down and talk?  Not usually.  It will probably send you to the limbic/lizard part of the brain where you being to experience fear.

Now, if your parent was leaning back into the couch or chair with the hands resting calmly on the body or chair, you might have a totally different experience.  The parent’s body language is more open and receptive, making it easier to stay in the thinking part of the brain.

Standing:

The next time you find yourself feeling upset or angry with your child, and you’re standing, change your posture so the side of your body is facing the child.  This is less intimidating and scary for the child than when you are facing him or her directly.

7.  Four simple ways to Respond to Children’s Anger

Response #1:

You’ve asked your child to do something or you’ve asked your child to stop doing something and the arguing begins. 

	Take a deep breath, look at your child with soft eyes and calmly and softly ask, “Honey, which part of your brain are you in, the thinking part or the lizard part?”
	If the child says lizard part, say, “That’s great!  What do you need to do to get into the thinking part?”
	If the child can’t answer the question, have him or her take some quiet time and come back to you when he or she is in the thinking art of the brain.
	Every time your child argues with you and you answer back to what was said, you have allowed your child to hop up onto the merry-go-round the two of you are about to ride on together.  Do NOT answer or engage in a conversation with arguing—it is a ploy designed to wear you down.  Don’t go there or you’ll end up in the lizard part of your brain as well and then no one wins.

Response #2:

Children let you know they’re angry when they argue with you, yell, scream and have temper tantrums.  Another response you can give a child who argues is to say calmly, without any sarcasm in your voice, “Honey, who’s the boss?”  If the child says, “You are,” you respond with, “What a smart answer!  Let me know when you want to talk about this from the thinking part of your brain” and walk away.  Don’t look back and do NOT engage in conversation.  You’ve laid down the boundaries.  Now, let your child follow your lead.

Response #3:

When a child is really angry, having a temper tantrum or yelling and screaming, remember, your child is not in the thinking part of the brain and has probably regressed to the emotional age of somewhere between 2 and 4 years of age.  Don’t expect your child to behave any older than this; the mental ability is out to lunch at that moment.

You could say something like, “Honey, I can see you’re really upset right now and I think it’s great that you’re letting me know how angry you are.  Why don’t you yell a little louder so you can get it out faster.  Do you want to yell and scream for two minutes or four minutes?  I want to make sure you get it all out so you can back to the thinking part of your brain again.  That’s when you’re happy.  If that doesn’t work, you could also join with the child and say, “I’m going to scream with you to get my mad feelings out.  I bet I can scream louder than you can.”  Do it and see what happens.  Your child will shift faster than you realize.

Response #4:

Children can be passive aggressive toward their parents by pretending they didn’t hear them, ignoring them or not doing what they were told to do.  If your child doesn’t pick up his or her toys and /or clothing and you’ve been nagging about it with no change, take heart.  There is another approach.  Instead of nagging, wait until your child wants to do something, 

like watch TV, play with a friend, etc.  Look at your child in the eyes and answer quietly and softly (no sarcasm allowed or you’ll blow it), “You now, honey, I would be happy to let you do_____________________ as soon as your clothes are picked up.  Let me know when that is and then turn away.  If the child starts to argue, look directly into his or her eyes and sweetly say, “Honey, what did you hear me Say?”  Each time the child argues, you say the same thing over again, “Honey, what did you hear me say?”  keep doing this until the child tells you.  Then comment on what a great listener he or she is and then walk away.

If you use this approach, do NOT let the child do what he or she wants until the task is completed to YOUR satisfaction, not theirs.  We’re working on raising responsible children.

So if you are ready to learn more about how to get your children to behave better faster quickly and easily with The Parent Survival Game.

THANKS AGAIN!

…for reviewing our new PARENT AWARENESS GUIDE TO DEALING WITH ANGRY CHILDREN .
 I hope you have found this knowledge helpful.

If you have any questions or comments…or if you would like to find out more about the services we offer to busy, frazzled parents, please call us 1-949.939.3176  or you can email us from the button below!

We’ve dedicated our business to parent education and service. We’ll be pleased to help you in every way. We look forward to your call or email.

Thanks!

MaryLynne White CEO
Adonai Consulting